Heading North

It's that time again.  Moving from one part of this world to another for a few months.  The Caribbean has treated me well this time around.  I've met a few crazy sailors, gone for a sail on the fastest raceboat in the world, almost danced on a pole, and i've got a great tan!  I say it was a success!  

Now on to the next leg.  New England again.  Newport, Edgertown, NYC, Nova Scotia... these places will bring even more fun this time!  I can feel it!!!!  

When the boat I work on pulled into Newport, RI early last summer there was one person that welcomed me into the sailing world with a smile! Francis was the first person who actually took the initiative to befriend me! And also the first Sailor, as I was working on a motor yacht. It is true, I don't know a single woman that could help but fall for him instantly. His eyes, blue like the Caribbean, his warm smile, and his ability to make you feel special, like noone else existed. A caring man, so talented and so fearless. He is an everlasting inspiration. I will always remember the day my boat was docking at the Shipyard, and out on the bow of Klosters was Francis! He stood there yelling out my name and waving, as if we had been friends for years. As soon as we tied up, he came over and gave me a welcoming kiss on the cheek and suggested a beer and some catching up later that evening. Of course I was thrilled to have such a handsome man giving me this special attention, but as things would turn out there was never the opportunity to sit down with him for that beer. I will honor Francis' strong and caring heart throughout my life. Love the friends that you have and cherish the time that you have with them.

torture!

I continually torture myself.  I wonder if I like pain?!  There's this guy that's been in my head now for months...  I can't seem to get him out.  I'm not even sure why he got into my head in the first place.  He definately didn't do anything special to earn a spot there.  

It's just when I think I'm over him that I wake up the next day thinking only of him!  Why??  What did I do to deserve this torment?  I care too much and I am way too giving.  I realize all that.  I just don't know how to deal with having someone in my head that I can't have.  I mean, why even waste my time or my niceness on a person that isn't going to care like I do?  It makes sense for me to forget him and move on.  But how?  Is the answer 'time heals all'??  I just want to not have him on a pedistal.  I want to have myself on the pedistal.  Only me.  So that I can focus my energy and my love on myself.  Afterall, I'm the only one I know so far that can love as much as I can!  Ha!  That leads me to another question... Is there actually a guy out there that can accept a person like myself and return the attention that I give with equal enthusiasm?!  

I think too deeply and too much.  I've been told this by a few people.  Unfortunately analyzing everything, especially relationship things, is often the glitch that starts the beginning of the end.  And that is how I torture myself.  I yearn for a caring person.... I get a caring person... I analyze things and then that person disappears.  I do it to myself.  Then I continue the torture by keeping them alive in my mind.  I need to learn how to move on.

Taking Time

Ok, since I started this... oh... WAY too long ago, I'm gonna start fresh now.  

I've read my last post.  My first post.  My only post.  And I've realized that I am still the same way. It's just that now I realize how silly I sound!  Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna stay just as silly for the rest of my life.  

I'm living on a yacht right now.  I have been working on boats now for 1 year and 3 months.  

As for love... well, I still love it.  Sadly. 

It seems that everyone around me is moving so quickly.  Going places and getting to things in life that I haven't even considered yet.  That is, everyone around me that ISN'T working on boats.  Here, in the water, we tend to just stay where we are.  What we're doing now is exactly what we'll be doing in a year, or 2 or 10 or 45.  And as much as I love this lifestyle, I will have to cut myself off and resume "real life" at some point.  

My best friend got married this past summer.  She's pregnant now.  I'm super excited and can't wait to have a little baby that I can play with and kiss and cuddle and then give back!  She will be an excellent mother!  And her husband will be an excellend father!  

It's these things that I see happening.  That are actually taking place.  Another friend from highschool got married this fall.  And another friend has 2 children already.  Do I want children and do I want to be married??  NO!!!  At least not right now!  But how can everyone my own age be settling?  Should I be at that point?!  Am I behind schedule??!!  

Well, I know I'm not behind schedule or anything... but it has to make me wonder a little.  I wonder if I'll get to that point.  

In The Beginning

It started out so quietly. Without any way of knowing what was happening. And when it happened, I was surprised. 

How would I have known that things were changing for me?  I felt secure in my relationship, well... sort of.  I thought I'd be with that person forever, yet I was unhappy.  If that makes any sense.  I guess I just needed to escape.  And when I broke free, I did it to the max.

So now, I will describe my life from another perspective.  

Check Out This View.